Confused and content all at once in a state of wonderment, like I’m learning it all for the first time again.

Time to pick up the pieces that are left and move on. We’ve only got one life.

Was watching some old 90’s romantic movies today and it made me depressed.

I remembered growing up thinking by now I’d have found the love of my life and be the happiest damn person on the planet no matter where I was, or what I was doing. I didn’t think it was going to be some sort of disney like fantasy… I guess I just didn’t realize that when it comes down to finding the right one, its like bobbing for apples, there’s only one that’s right for you, and a whole lot of crap surrounding it, and in order to even find that one good one, you have to go through a handful of the bad ones first….

I feel like ever since my last two relationships, that I’m incapable of  really connecting with anyone. I feel jinxed. I spent the past 6 years of my life basically dedicating myself to the men that I loved, and in the process I feel like I lost a part of myself when I lost them. Its hard to move on when you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with someone, and after years of trying to make it work, it just crumbles to pieces, and go your separate ways. My ex’s and I are still close, and I still love them very much but sometimes when we talk nowadays I feel like I’m talking with a stranger, that deeper connection that I so desperately long for is gone. Its been so long since someone has really understood and accepted me for the utter mess that I am.

Every guy I’ve met since has either lied, cheated, or used me, or I scared them away by being too clingy or just plain weird, who knows. I don’t know how to react anymore.It was always so easy and natural before… I’ve never had to TRY so hard before. I feel like I’ve lost my morals, my standards… I don’t even know really what I’m looking for anymore. I feel like I’m lost in a labyrinth looking for a way out, desperately throwing a piece of my heart at any passer by who offers their hand. In a way I feel like its become almost worthless.

There’s only one person so far I felt I could even act like myself around, and everything just feels okay and natural… But even that’s teetering back and forth in my brain.I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I can handle losing someone that I care about again.I don’t care how he’s in my life, or what we are, just that he IS in my life. And maybe that’s the way it should be… all I know is that he’s a good person, and he makes me feel good, and I hope that he could only say the same of me.But I’m still freaking out on the inside feeling like I’m going to lose one of the only people I’ve really connected with here, because I am utterly incapable of just relaxing and trusting anymore.

Maybe there is a light, Maybe I’m just in a rut…. maybe I just need to find myself again… who know. But I guess I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. Everything happens for a reason, right?

They can define an ally from a foe, a man from a boy, and a friend from a lover. Turn a frown into a smile, a cry into a laugh, turn a cold heart warm…The little things…are not so little as they seem.

I’m not sure which I’m more disappointed in, the mere fact that you lied to me,which there was never reason for, us being adults, and the situation being what it is. Or the fact that you just weren’t comfortable enough with yourself to be honest. I guess I just expected more from you, as a person, and as a friend.Although at this point disappointment seems to be nothing new to me. I’m starting to believe that my judgement in people is severely off.

Okay okay… I guess I should get off my lazy butt and finish this tour blog deal right? haha

We got back to Los Angeles after a few day drive through Texas and Arizona. On our last day off on the road we stopped to pick up Jay’s adorable son Jax and did a little bit of shopping. Nic and I got bored and hit one too many happy hours, and I apparently had one too many drinks O_o…but enough of that story.

We got back to LA and the boys packed up off the bus and ran home to their friends and families after being gone almost a month and a half. Carlton also got back into town that night as well.I was technically homeless, so I decided to stay on the bus until the tour was over to avoid couch hopping and back and forth drives. Sitting on the bus all by myself was a sore reminder that the tour was quickly coming to an end.

Show day came, The key club is set up really weird and merchandise is downstairs, so I didn’t really get to see a whole lot of the show. I ran up quickly a few times, because I like to watch all of the performances. I really wish that merch was in the main room, it’s better for sales also… No point in having merch if people don’t know where you are at.

The California shows were a bit different than others prior on the tour, The guys had a few extra guest performers come onstage including Aimee Echo, and Jax came out and even did a cool little dance =) It was a lot of fun, and it was great to have the whole fam back together again, and to be surrounded by friends and familiar faces once more.

I helped loud out after the show, and got my butt back on the bus to head to Santa Ana, and all the guys went home. The next day for me was spent cleaning up the bus and watching movies. Unfortunately the belt on the generator went out, and the bus driver and I had to make a detour to an auto parts store to get another. I guess it was good that the tour got cut short and that all the break downs and problems happened at the very end.

The Santa Ana Show was a fun show for me, but also a lot of work. The band I manage with Jonny from Coffin Case, The Dark, was also on the bill, so as well as doing merch for Orgy, I was also doing their merch, and handling a bunch of other things, but it was great to have them on with us and I’m glad that they got to share the stage with them and all the other awesome and amazing bands that where on this tour like One Eyed Doll, and The Attitude.

What a great night, great energy…but I was so tired and stressed between everything going on, final inventory, packing off the bus, and just getting a ride home… I wasn’t ready for the tour to end at all, yet was sooo ready for the night to come to an end.

I truly feel blessed to have been on tour with such an amazing group of talented musicians and all around good people <3 and to be able to call them friends.

Till next time folks…

Life is always going to be like a roller coaster. It’s not supposed the be a straight and narrow path with no bumps to go over and no hills to climb, no falls…

The hardships we go through make us who we are today, but are not necessarily WHO you are. A lot of confusion can come from reliving moments passed. But here’s my take on things….

The things that I’ve gone through and the things that I’ve done, have made who I am today. Yes, I have done things I’ve not so proud of, things that were stupid, things that If I was where I am at today, I wouldn’t do…. But I don’t regret any of it. It got me where I am.

There are people I have loved, relationships gone sour, people I have lost… But I never question the things that I did or didn’t do… If we might still be together now, if I had or hadn’t said this, if we had tried that… I don’t even consider re-opening that jar of flies, because when it comes down to it, everything happens for a reason. I grew, i learned, I loved, I lost and I ultimately gained in the long run.

Don’t get me wrong… I am still friends with and love all of my exes very much, even to this day. When you truly love somebody, no matter the situation, that love will always remain. Is it the same? No, and it never will be. But I still cherish the times we spent together, the relationship we had, the relationship we have now, and once again… I have no regrets.

I have no expectations or standards of what my life should or shouldn’t be like, I take the punches as they come and try to keep an open mind to situations that arise and handle them in the best way possible for me. No one can predict the future. All I want to be able to say later on is that I did the best that I could. I stayed true to myself, and I never had any regrets or doubts about my actions, or my feelings. I want to look back and say I lived the happiest as I could, because I LIVED life, rather than letting life drag me down.

Enjoy life for what it is… a sense of excitement and relief comes at the end of each twisting turn, and every fall. So just hold tight, and enjoy the ride.

YES, I will be posting them. Its been hectic since we got back, just trying to get back into the daily swing of things and get things back on track. In between places and have had a lot of personal things to situate after being gone for a month and a half. =p understandable right?

chadmichaelward:

“The Unforgiven IV” featuring Twigglet. Part of my “Unforgiven” series inspired by the recent OBEY YOUR MASTER: A Tribute to Metallica art show.

Rolled into San Antonio and loaded into the venue around 2ish. I Partially set up the booth and then grabbed a shower backstage and ate some food. Doors where early, around 6 so I didn’t have much time to do much else. There were about 9 bands on the show, so it was a long haul, but there was a crowd from doors that continuously grew larger as the night rolled on. St. Patrick’s day and it was a free show for 21+ I’m pretty certain by the time Orgy went on there was 1000 or so people in the venue. Of course One eyed Doll is with us still, and Adema was the support on this show. It was crazy to see them live after all these years. I was in middle school when they first came out in the mainstream.

We rolled out afterwards to start our 24 hour drive back to Cali. As morning hit we drove through a bad dust storm with about 50mph winds and sand being blown everywhere. We stopped in El Paso to let our driver sleep. I hit the hot tub to relax and spent most of the day watching TV, and movies, and just resting up… the three day nonstop run in Texas drained us all.